Divorce Discernment Counseling

People and relationships both grow over time, but sometimes, that growth may feel like it’s going in two different directions. When one person is contemplating leaving the relationship but the other is committed to making it work, the process of divorce discernment can provide clarity and a path forward. It’s a structured, guided process that helps both partners gain a better understanding of their relationship, their roles in its challenges, and their options moving forward. 

What is Divorce Discernment? 

Divorce discernment is different from traditional couple therapy. It’s not about resolving issues or making changes in the relationship. Instead, the goal is to help each person reflect on whether they want to remain in the relationship, pursue a divorce or separation, or commit to deeper therapeutic work. This process offers couples a space to pause and thoughtfully consider their next steps. 

Who is Divorce Discernment For? 

Divorce discernment is designed for couples where one person is “leaning out” of the relationship, contemplating leaving but not entirely confident in their decision, and the other partner is “leaning in,” hoping to make the relationship work. It’s a particularly useful approach for couples who feel stuck, uncertain, or conflicted about their future together. 

Often, one partner may feel disconnected, frustrated, or emotionally distant, while the other is still emotionally invested in trying to fix the problems. Divorce discernment helps bridge this divide by creating a neutral, non-judgmental space where both partners can explore their feelings openly, without pressure to make an immediate long-term decision. 

The Divorce Discernment Process 

The discernment process typically involves 1-5 sessions, each lasting 1.5 to 2 hours. Unlike ongoing couples therapy, this is a short-term, focused intervention aimed at helping partners assess the state of their relationship and what might need to change for the relationship to move forward. 

Each session is divided into time spent together as a couple and time spent one-on-one with the therapist. This allows each person to speak freely about their concerns, hopes, and fears, as well as to gain a better understanding of their partner’s perspective. After each session, the couple decides whether to continue with another session, based on the clarity they have gained. 

Three Potential Paths 

In divorce discernment, couples typically arrive at one of three potential paths forward: 

1. Path 1: Status Quo 
   After exploring the relationship dynamics and your feelings about the future, you may decide to maintain the current status of the relationship. This could mean that you’re not yet ready to commit to major changes or to end the relationship. The status quo might be a short-term decision while both partners continue to reflect and see if feelings shift over time. 

2. Path 2: Divorce or Separation 
   For some couples, the discernment process brings to light the realization that the relationship is no longer serving one or both partners, and that divorce or separation is the most viable option. This path allows for a clearer understanding of the reasons behind the decision, helping to reduce feelings of guilt, shame, or uncertainty about leaving the relationship. 

3. Path 3: Commitment to Therapy 
   For others, discernment may reveal that there is still potential for the relationship to grow and improve, but it will require focused effort. In this case, couples choose to commit to six months of couple therapy. The focus of this path is on working through the key issues identified during the discernment process. Both partners commit to addressing their contributions to the problems, developing healthier communication patterns, and working on reconnecting emotionally. 

A Non-Judgmental Space for Exploration 

Divorce discernment provides an unbiased and non-judgmental environment. Unlike traditional couples therapy, the therapist's role is not to save the relationship but to help both partners gain clarity about what they want for the future. For the person leaning out of the relationship, it’s an opportunity to explore whether leaving is the right choice, without feeling pressured to stay. For the partner leaning in, it’s a chance to hear their partner’s concerns and explore whether meaningful change is possible. 

The therapist facilitates open dialogue and reflection, guiding each partner to examine their role in the relationship’s challenges. By taking a critical look at their patterns, behaviors, and emotional needs, couples can gain a deeper understanding of how they ended up where they are and what might be required for change. 

Understanding Each Partner's Perspective 

A core aspect of the discernment process is the opportunity for both partners to gain insight into each other’s experiences within the relationship. Often, couples become entrenched in their own viewpoints, which can create feelings of isolation or defensiveness. Through divorce discernment, we help couples break down these barriers by fostering empathy and understanding between partners. 

By spending time separately with the therapist, each person can express their individual concerns and perspectives without fear of judgment or conflict. This allows for a more honest exploration of each partner’s feelings about the relationship. Later, during the joint portions of the session, couples can begin to share and process these feelings together, with the therapist’s guidance. 

Taking Responsibility for Your Role in the Relationship 

One of the most significant aspects of divorce discernment is the focus on personal accountability. Both partners are encouraged to reflect on their roles in the relationship’s difficulties. Instead of focusing solely on the other person’s actions or behaviors, we help each partner identify their own contributions to the patterns of conflict or disconnection. 

This process is often eye-opening, as it allows each person to see how their choices, behaviors, or communication styles may have contributed to the problems they’re facing. It’s not easy, but by taking responsibility for their part, each partner gains greater clarity about what changes might be necessary—whether in the context of repairing the relationship or preparing for a separation. 

Clarity for the Path Forward 

The ultimate goal of divorce discernment is not to resolve the relationship issues themselves, but to help couples reach a place of clarity and confidence about how to move forward. Whether the decision is to stay, separate, or commit to therapy, the discernment process ensures that both partners feel more secure and informed about their next steps. 

Couples often enter the process feeling confused, overwhelmed, or disconnected. By the end, many feel a greater sense of control over their future and a deeper understanding of their relationship. Divorce discernment helps reduce the uncertainty and fear that can accompany such significant decisions, allowing for more thoughtful and informed choices. 

Preparing for Couples Therapy (Path 3) 

For those who choose Path 3—committing to six months of couples therapy—the divorce discernment process sets the stage for deeper work. With clarity about what changes are necessary and a shared understanding of each partner’s needs, couples are better equipped to enter therapy with purpose and commitment. In this case, the focus shifts from gaining clarity to actively working on the relationship itself, addressing the issues identified during discernment. 

During the discernment process, we help couples outline the specific areas they want to work on in therapy. Whether it’s communication, emotional intimacy, trust, or conflict resolution, this clarity helps guide the work in couples therapy and provides a sense of direction for both partners. 

Is Divorce Discernment Right for You? 

If you’re feeling uncertain about the future of your relationship, divorce discernment may be a valuable first step. It’s designed for couples who are at a crossroads—where one partner is seriously considering leaving, but neither is fully committed to that decision yet. By exploring your feelings, understanding each other’s perspectives, and reflecting on your roles in the relationship, you can make a more informed decision about your future. 

We offer a compassionate, neutral space to help you navigate this difficult time with clarity and confidence. Whether you decide to stay, separate, or commit to therapy, we are here to support you in making the best choice for your well-being and the future of your relationship. Reach out today to learn more about how divorce discernment can help guide you through this critical decision-making process.